Empathy

Last night the dog I'm sitting (Gulley the Border Collie) was having some trouble with one of his ears.  For the past few days he's been scratching and shaking his head, trying to relieve his discomfort.  Being the scrupulous (i.e., nervous) caregiver I am, I had found a home remedy from a vet online and administered it to him a couple of days ago.  To both our delight, it worked immediately and Gulley found relief.  But last night it started up again.  As it happens, his scratching and head-shaking are somehow much louder at 2am when they wake me up.  And I - like many others - am not at my best when I'm awakened in the middle of the night.  So I yelled at him.  Like a jerk.  Then realizing he wasn't going to stop (why should he? I wouldn't stop scratching if my ear itched, either), I got up and prepared and administered the same home treatment (soapy water, clean water, vinegar and water, cortizone cream).  Expecting the same satisfying results as the last time, I went back to bed.......... and Gulley kept scratching and shaking his head.  At that point, I realized to my deep distress that there was nothing more I could do.  So I reached over and just pet him and spoke softly to him. 

It was in this response that I suddenly realized: this was exactly what my dad has been doing for my mom for the past 14 months as she has undergone chemo for cancer (she's fine now).  And it dawned on me that for whatever distress I was feeling at being the helpless caregiver to this dog, imagine what my dad has been feeling night after night as he caresses my mom's back as she vomits into the toilet at 2am.  So many lessons to ponder: the deep holiness of my father, the value of presence even when it is powerless to "fix", and some insight into Isaiah's "suffering servant."  Empathy can suck, but it's part of being human, and part of what connects us to one another.  I hope to be given the grace to desire it more and more.

One of many

Going to Mass is a pretty rich experience for me, both as a congregant and as a minister.  During the summer, I get to be the former pretty often.  But because I spend the school year in a leadership position in Mass, I always go through a kind of self-conscious transition period as a congregant.  After all, I'm taller than average, my voice is louder than average, and I'm guessing that because my career is in liturgy, I have a deeper than average knowledge of what's going on in Mass.  All great characteristics for leading liturgy (well, the tall thing's not that important, I guess), but not great for trying to be a part of a group - one among many, all doing the same thing.  At times I catch myself being louder than those around me, and I lower my voice.  If I were in middle school, the lesson would be to "use my voice just as it is, since God gave it to me."  But as I enter middle age, I far prefer the lesson - and value - of subsuming my individual traits to become one with the group.  Ritually, this is one of the unique values of Mass - and all communal prayer.  Mass is not a collection of individuals praying individually, it is one Body performing one corporate act.  And the individuals draw strength from the experience of each other.  It's great to be reminded of that for a couple of months, before taking up once again - also gratefully - the leadership role in which I'll spend the ten months of the school year.

"Sur-" (above/over) "render" (to give)

I just got back from the second new student orientation Mass.  I was surprised at how energizing it was - I haven't led music at Mass for about a month since I have summers off.  I'm learning more and more to surrender my fears to God - fears of being too "this" or too "that."  The answer seems to lie in surrendering EVERYTHING to God: my thoughts ("good" or "bad"), my actions - for instance, I was singing at Mass tonight and my voice started to give out.  Of course I wasn't "supporting" the way a good singer does, mostly because I don't want to sound like an opera singer when I sing at Mass.  But my voice giving out wasn't really an option either, because I still had to lead the congregation.  So I "surrendered" the whole situation to God in my mind and heart, and the answer came back, "you're singing in praise of God, which is great.  But your job here is to provide a foundation for them to sing, so use your technique to keep your voice from going out."  It was a reminder that my role in Mass - when I'm ministering - is service to the congregation, not to praise/pray in whatever way I want.   And the same old paradox happened again: that serving - putting others' needs first - actually makes me feel better than doing whatever I want to fulfill my own desires - even a desire as good as praying!  Service IS the prayer in that setting for me.  And as always happens when I "hear the word of God and do it", I was affirmed by people coming up to say how much they enjoyed the Mass.  Crazy what happens when we surrender everything to God....